Ok, this is going to be a quick one.
One of my greatest pet peeves on this Earth has happened to me three times in the past twenty four hours, and frankly I just need to rant a bit.
There is nothing I hate more than when you politely decline someone's sexual advance and they demand to know why. Last night at the New York Bondage Club I received an offer and told him "Oh that's very kind of you, but no thanks". And as soon as I said it, he immediately asked me why not. This is such a perplexing question to me. Honestly, why do people want to be told in great detail why their offer of sex isn't desired. After asking me why once I continued to joke with him and be light hearted without saying anything. He then asked what my type was and I told him. He was like, "well that's me, except I'm not dark featured. Oh, so just because I don't have pigment, we aren't going to play?". NO. That isn't why. And if you keep asking me, I am going to give you the answer you are so desperately searching for.
I just got another one of these on recon. A man invited me to fly across the country to stay with him for a few days and get roped up. His pictures (of ropework) were impressive, but he had no posted pictures of himself, nor did he offer any up. As usual with recon requests, I replied "Thank you very much. Your ropework is very impressive, but I'm going to have to decline. Best of luck to you". His response, "May I ask why?". Mine, "Because I'm not interested". Him: "Age? Obviously you like what I like".
This is when it became clear he wanted to know why I wasn't interested. So I told him, in no shortage of words. And no, it had nothing to do with his age. Suffice to say he did not care for my answer.
So that is sort of my position on the matter. There is no reason I would ever be rude to someone who polity offered to tie me, or get tied, or host me. And if they press their luck, I'll still be perfectly respectful. But if they keep pressing me I am going to just give them exactly what they want.
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14 comments:
hopefully that didn't turn you off going to NYBC. You planning on going this weekend?
You are so right about your answers, I have str8 friends who think I will want to go out with their gay friends just because we are both gay. If two people like bondage it still doesn't mean they are compatible.
About your recon chat, I get messages of people who share their personal photos but they are usually blurry, dark, unclear photos.
And the most popular one: standing in front of a mirror with the camera flash covering your face.
very amazingly articulated! I totally agree with you and with 'leather guy' about the pictures. I sit back and just say in my mind 'seriously? SERIOUSLY?'
ben, ben, ben .... thank God you've learned to stand your ground. Daddy RJ
Thanks all. And no, I'm not going to make it to NYBC this weekend. I am heading home for a week on Sunday. Moving up to NYC permanently in January though. And then all bets are off. Actually, if I can swing it, I am going to start working there.
Ben, this is a common problem. It is natural for a person to wonder why they were rejected. But you do not owe them any explanation and you certainly needn't be drawn into a lengthy discussion. If you are pressed for an answer a diplomatic reply would be "You aren't my type" and end the conversation right there.
Miss Manners,
I'm afraid last night I learned that this does not end the topic. They then need to know what my type is, and then they try to force themselves to fit that. It's even worse. hehe
Ben
When this has happened to me, I always use the following line from some old (Doris Day)? movie: (spoken with a pert smile) "We've had a lovely time up until now, let's not spoil it, shall we?" And then walk away...OR if really obnoxious, try this David Spade (I think) line: "Excuse me, I just remembered something: you're boring, and these feet work..."
Ben,
Tell them you have a boyfriend to whom you want to be completely loyal. It might be a lie (or might not be, depending upon a particular moment in time), but at least it will be a polite lie. Keep in mind that social peace is built upon polite lies. If you want proof of that, how many times have you told your mother how bad she looked when she really did look bad? I know the answer, and so do you: None. (At least, not since the first time you made the mistake of actually telling her.)
Anon,
I respectfully reject that. And my honest answer to your question is EVERY time.
Of course it's never phrased that way. But when my mom asks me how she looks I will actually tell her. She's not one to seek validation, she just wants my opinion because she respects it.
And I just don't follow the polite lie thing. I just don't. I know thats youthful and arrogant. But hey, I'm youthful and appropriately the youthfully arrogant.
One of ben's most adorable personality traits is his honesty. It's a mark of being a good boy in every sense of the word. No question, the boy was raised right. Keep standing your ground by demonstrating integrity, ben. It'll take you far in life. While some Men just don't get it when you say "no," always remember: it's their issue, not yours. And when they become a problem by refusing to move on, the truth is your best defense. And if ANYONE ever threatens you or is disrespectful, there are lots of Daddies out here who are more than willing to step in to protect your ass. But something tells Me the boy can do a damn good job of that himself.
Daddy RJ
It's always nice to see someone have the integrity to be honest and live there life always being honest. So many people lack even a basic level of integrity.
I can understand why someone would ask why you decline, I think most people would be curious to know why you've rejected them and it's fair to assume they're looking why you're not interested, not just that you're not interest.
That said, your response was accurate since his question was lacking in asking for why you weren't interested. Being honest about why you're not interest isn't being rude or hurtful, it's just being honest.
Ben, kudos to you brother.
I had this same situation recently. A guy on REcon got chatting to me and he's not bad looking but nothing special. He asked if I would tie him up and I said - Sure, come to the Hoist one night, I've always got my rope with me.
He said he's prefer private. I said I'd prefer public. He asked why. I said "Private might be an option if the chemistry is there, but I'd have to meet you to know that."
He appreciated my answer.
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