Secret

Secrecy is a funny thing. I have spent a lot of time on this blog and in general talking about how important it is to be "out" as kinky players. I believe in that just as much today as I ever did. However, I do have to admit that lately I have been exploring a new interest. Something I hadn't really ever thought about except for a few times before a few months ago. And, I am beginning to understand one of the reasons some people prefer to keep some of their interests secret.

Most people don't have the opportunity in their lives to be very open about all this. I think some people, though, get off on how taboo this all is. Working at Nasty Pig, I hear it all the time. "I could wear this and people wouldn't even know where it was from". Seriously? Who cares if they knew where it was from? Is there really anything dirty about Nasty Pig? Maybe I am just too desensitized, but it always struck me as incredibly juvenile that people had such reactions to having this big secret.

Still, as I mentioned above... I am beginning to understand the allure of having a "dirty secret". Though I still think there is nothing particularly dirty about Nasty Pig, I am growing to appreciate the feeling one can have from feeling something privately. The interest I have recently taken plays into a lot of my humiliation fantasies, and taps into a lot of my inner most feelings of social right and wrong. The feeling that you are doing something very dirty, outside the scope of "how people are supposed to behave" can actually be exhilarating. More than exhilarating, having some dirty sexual secret heightens the sense of humiliation you have from doing the action in the first place.

I'm not going to reveal what my interest is, but it has elicited in me a feeling I have never had before. A rush of adrenaline like I have never known. It's sexual and emotional in a way I can not adequately describe. And what's more, the rush wouldn't be half as strong if I was out and proud about my new interest. By being proud of something, you take away its power to humiliate you. I don't want that. I have always been curious about humiliation, and now I have found a way for me to feel it in a way I never thought possible. I want to give guys the power to humiliate me, and as long as I feel that way, I'm gonna keep my secret. My own private dirty secret...

MAL Help

I'm at MAL. Is there anyone out there who wants to keep me bound and gagged for a few hours? haha

Aaaaaaaaaaaand We're Back

            Biggest apologies for the delay, my loyal readers. I’m on winter break from school, which means every aspect of my regular life flew out the window for a few weeks. As many of you know the best tool I had for always making time to write was doing so on a regular basis. Without a regular schedule, well I just kept forgetting to write. I will continue to have off until the end of the month, but hopefully will be able to pay a bit more attention to my humble blog.

            The funniest part of my leave of absence is that I didn’t stop brainstorming for the blog. In fact, in the past few weeks I have had several “A-HA!” moments where I have found a post topic. I just haven’t gotten around to writing them, much to your chagrin, I’m sure.

            First up, I wanted to reflect a little bit on the New Year. Now, traditionally, New Year’s Eve is not dissimilar to my 4^th of July in that I generally have little to no fun. In fact, I can barely remember what I did on the past several NYE’s. Before I get too gushy, let me just say this NYE was no better than any previous one because I worked a double from 11pm-10am and it was pretty miserable.

            HAVING SAID, there was one interesting aspect of my New Year’s that inspired a great deal of reflection in me. As of January 1, 2011 I had officially been living in NYC for exactly one year. Neat, huh? I’ve never really been one for New Year’s resolutions or all of that nonsense. But being able to go back in my mind and have a clear beginning and end of 2010 just made it really easy to reflect on things.

            One year ago I had just graduated from college. I moved here with no job prospects and no idea if I would even be accepted to fashion school. I only had a handful of friends in the city and only marginal experience in searching for an apartment. I had been a student for four years, and barely had a taste of what life as a young man would be like. There is one thing I did have though, and it drove my poor mother crazy. I had an absolute conviction that no matter what happened, I was going to survive.

            Now I’m sure you can chalk plenty of that up to being young and painfully stupid at times.  And I readily accept that my sense of invincibility is nothing more than the fodder of youth. But hey, I made it, didn’t I? I the past year I have started fashion school, gotten a new job (several, in fact), made a few new friends, met some amazing people, started dating a remarkable man, went new places, tried new things, had some HOT scenes, and basically carved out a small niche for myself in the man-eating behemoth that is New York City.

            With that in mind, I have a few goals for 2011. Not resolutions, exactly… My goals are more general things I want to happen to me this year that I think would maximize my happiness. I’m not going to share them right now. I would rather let you know after I’ve accomplished them.

            So here’s to 2011. I think it’s going to kick ass!