Being Out.

Being Out

My parents found out I was gay when I was eleven years old. After a while, I had stopped deleting my internet history (possibly as a subconscious way of getting caught), and one day my parents found a long list of sites I had been visiting. First and foremost among them was the original BoundandGagged.com. I don’t know how much time passed between the discovery and the confrontation, but one day they just approached me about it. They wanted me to know they loved me and everything was all right, but that bondage and SM were dangerous. I was eleven! What do you expect?

Over the next few years there would be the occasional sign that I was still very interested in and active with BDSM. And yes, my mother did once walk in on me tied up and sucking cock (which was the last time she ever didn’t knock). Still, my first coming out experience was both coming out as a gay boy and as a lil kinky pervert. Kidding aside, this split is what Guy Baldwin would describe as “the second coming out”. Which is to say that as leather folk, we come out once as gay and then again as leather. Baldwin also spoke a lot about what it really means to come out (who you come out to, coming out to yourself, etc…). I am going to skip that and suggest you read his book The Ties that Bind. But I do want to talk about the importance of being out, as I see it (this is, after all, MY blog).

Being out as a leather boy is something I value greatly, but it isn’t just about doing what is best for me. I truly believe that being out is good for the community. I think we all know that it’s easier for some than others (for a variety of reasons), and it takes a fair deal of comfort in your own skin to be able to candidly talk about the things others prefer to compartmentalize. However, by breaking down the taboos and misconceptions that surround and shroud our community and our practices, we accomplish a number of things.

For starters, and perhaps the most obvious, we deepen the bonds we share with non-leather folk. For example, I am out (and for the rest of this post I mean out as a leather boy) to all my friends and even my family. I cannot even begin to describe the level of connection I share with my closest friends and family because of (as opposed to despite) my openness about these issues. For example, my experience with David (as my most loyal readers will know as my first Sir/boy dynamic) became very emotionally tumultuous during the final months, and I really needed the support of my friends and family. There is no way I could have possibly begun to share my feelings with them if I had to avoid the topic of leather/BDSM. My relationship woes were so deeply rooted in the newness of my identity as a boy, that had I tried to share my feelings with those closest to me, they would have only gotten a vague outline of my problems.

Did they really understand the bond between a Sir and boy? Of course not. But that is a lot less important than you may think. I don’t know what its like to be married, yet I help my parents with their relationship when things are tough (and they have gotten pretty rough). Until recently I had never been in an interracial relationship, but that didn’t stop me being there for my friends who were as much as I could. The point is that when it comes to letting people in and allowing them to support you when you need it most, sometimes they don’t really need to “understand”.

It isn’t just about strengthening the bonds we have though. Being open about our interests creates an environment of sexual openness wherever we go, and challenges notions and judgments about our practices. For example, there have been two occasions in recent memory where I have educated my fellow students in a classroom environment on BDSM and leather culture. Last year in my public speaking class I presented a brief history of BDSM that stretched from the Marquis de Sade to present day. Afterwards the presentation was opened to questions, and class had to be extended for me to address all of them adequately. This semester in my Censorship in Media class I have continually spoken up when issues like the work of Robert Mapplethorpe have come up. I even had an hour-long meeting with the professor outside of class where I talked in depth about how important this part of my identity is. And I have to admit; he gave me a surprise and a smirk when he casually referenced Tom of Finland (I sometimes underestimate the straights). During our conversation, he asked how I felt becoming the token figure and the sole person who represented a great deal of mystery.

To be honest, it energizes me. I enjoy talking about BDSM and leather in public. At one point a girl was discussing how horrifying an image of sounding was, and amidst the classroom uproar people began to quiet down to listen to me as I calmly and informatively described the practice (what it entails, why people do it, etc…). In another incident, I explained to the class what fisting was in a similar fashion (again, inspired by a Mapplethorpe image).

The final goal that we accomplish by being out, which is closely related to the previous, is opening the community to those who are most curious about it. I cannot tell you how many people I have known through school, friends, work, or wherever who have approached me in private to ask me questions about leather and BDSM. In fact, it was my openness about things that led to this blog. An acquaintance of mine, who knew I was a leather boy (as everyone does), ran a local DC blog and asked me to write a piece on ten things for young guys to know about getting into kink. That piece would later become my first post on this blog. Even during the Q&A I mentioned in my public speaking class, looking at everyone’ faces and raised hands made me understand how many people are curious about our community. Constantly titillated by mainstream images of kink, there was an enthusiasm behind every question that made me realize how disserved our community is by our own silence. Most are just playfully curious, but some are leather men and women at heart just waiting to learn more. Most would never look into it privately out of shame or fear, which is why these people need us. They need us to be open about our interests so they can begin to explore and understand their own.

Now I am going to finish with somewhat conflicting statements. First, I want to emphasize that this is just what I think. It is by no means grounded in statistical data, psychological studies, or anything like that. It is just a young man’s view of the world. But second, I want to emphasize that this is what I think, and that it’s based on my own experiences being out of the closet. I truly believe that the more leathermen who are out and proud about their interest, the better off the community is. Not just leather folk, but all the people whose lives we touch.