If there is one thing I think we should all remember, it is that no matter how much of a Dom Top or sub bottom we are, a little role reversal never hurt anyone! In fact, switching roles every now and again is usually for all involved parties. The new new guard is definitely onto something in its belief in the fluidity of roles, and while I may not subscribe to it whole heartedly, I have to admit sometimes I love being a nasty lil Dom top.
For the past several weeks I have been in NYC visiting old friends, making new ones, and even getting to know a truly remarkable someone (more on this later). One of those new friends I made was named Patrick. We met on recon, noticed we had some mutual friends, chatted briefly about me tying him up, and eventually I took the trip down to see him. There really is just something about this guy. He has a very average-Joe attitude to him, with a handsome face, hot body, hearty laugh, killer smile, and truly endearing personality. I must admit I have a bit of a crush on him, in a really weird sort of way. He's one heck of a guy.
ANYWAY! One of the reasons we met up int he first place was because he was looking for as a bottom what I get into as a top: rope bondage sessions with struggling and teasing. I can def top a scene, but I am not really a sadist and mostly just get off on a guy struggling bound and gagged.
So I showed up at his place and as agreed, he was wearing a full military uniform and he looked HOT! My draw almost dropped at how handsome and masculine this guy was (especially in said uniform). After chatting for a bit, we broke out the rope (which he had a surprising abundance of for a bottom), and got down to business. For that first session we only did one tie. A damn tight hogtie that was effective and certainly intricate, without being too fancy (a word of advice to all aspiring rope tops, if you can't do it, DON"T TRY IT! Start simple till you master the basics and rope your way up! All that pretty rope bondage you see in pics was done by people who have been practicing for years). I gave him a few mins to get out, in which he put up a decent struggle, until I decided to start having my fun.
First off, this guy's energy was perfect. He put up a damn good struggle and knew how to make it convincing (not like 99% of the guys in porn ("Please don't, noooo, I hate that...;-)" ew, gross, instant soft-on)). And he brought out the cocky top in me. I started by telling him he wasn't really struggling at all, and he must really not want out. I decided to start giving him some incentives at that point. I used his face as a foot rest, made him sniff my nasty baseball socks, pinched his nips, etc... Then I started asking him if he, an older 5'10 165lbs man usually let 21yo 5'5 115lbs kids tie him up in his apartment. I asked him if he thought all that muscle he had made any difference in that moment, where he could have easily out-muscled me if not for how well I had him tied (and now gagged with my socks). This really made him start to buck, kick, and mpphh! God I was so fucking turned on.
At this point I decided to kick it up a notch and pulled down his pants to expose his white jock and raging hard on! This prompted a whole new wave of teasing about how hard his cock was, and how much he was clearly loving getting dominated by a kid. For those of you who don't know, I have a pretty big dick, and I loved rubbing that in his face, metaphorically AND literally! First I started talking about how much of a bigger man he was, except where it counted. Soon I had my cock out and was smacking his face, asking if he wanted to suck it. He would yell a muffled "fuck you" through my dirty socks filling his mouth, which only made me harder. Since this was about teasing and humil as much as bondage, I decided to humiliate him a bit before he sucked it. Sure, I could have taken his gag out and forced his mouth open? But why force someone to do something when you can make them beg for it?
I ungagged him and asked if he wanted to suck my cock, and he more or less said no (there were some expletives). So I took a firm hold of his balls and asked again, when I was met with the same response. So I applied some pressure, asking again at intervals. Gradually the swears subsided, and soon he couldn't even respond his face was contorted in pain. Eventually he finally yelled "Let me suck your cock!". I paused for a moment, and squeezed again. "I said beg", I responded. "You told me to let you suck my cock, I said beg for it." I can't even describe how much his cock stiffened at this. I don't think he was used to playing with kinky little fuckers like me (who think like a pig). I squeezed a bit more, and despite initial resistance, eventually had him pleading and begging me to stuff my cock in his mouth.
I eventually obliged, which in itself was not remarkable. I don't particularly enjoy getting head, and I got the impression he didn't particularly enjoy getting it. It was the fact that I had made him beg that was hot, so the head itself didn't last long. Soon after though I was jerking him off, now regagged with my other sock, with my dirty jock strapped to his face. He didn't take long to cum, and after he shot a nice load. I finished myself off on his face (which was mostly protected by the jock).
I untied him and we just relaxed for a bit. I really loved spending time with him. And I think this is when my weird little mancrush for him started. Soon I had to go though, but don't worry, we had several more sordid adventures.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, December 1, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
A Perfectly Terrifying Experience
Last week I had the extreme privilege to meet up with a Sir from recon. I had originally messaged him years back when he was local, but, sadly he never responded. About two months ago I got a message from this Sir out of the blue, telling me what a remarkable boy I was. It was good to hear from him, because not only did he seem to be a man of substance, but also…one word….WOOF. This beefy Sir was almost pure muscle, broad-shouldered, barrel-chested, hairy Italian Daddy. I repeat: WOOF. Our chats were fun, but typically brief given the vast distance that now separates us. Still, during a particularly rough time for him I made and mailed him a pop up card that seemed to really garner some affection for me.
So when he finally managed to visit DC, I was happy to make it into his crazy schedule. Not many people did, and I feel extremely honored to have been given a night with him. I wasn’t sure what to expect really. As I said, he seemed like a person of substance, but he seemed to have one thing on his mind in the week leading up to our meeting. I was ready for whatever he wanted: sex, getting to know one another, cuddling (that’s how woofy he was, because I cuddle with VERY few people), whatever.
I arrived at his room at 6:30 and let myself in since it was unlocked. Usually this means the man is waiting inside, naked and ready to be served (or some variation of this). So I was surprised when he walked around the corner fully dressed in gym clothes and not at all ready for a scene. His introduction was quite peculiar, and I liked him right away. He said hello, spread his arms out somewhat sarcastically, and announced, “This is it. This is me. Just a regular guy”. What I found most striking was that his admonition wasn’t an attempt at being faux-humble, nor was it self-deprecating. Rather, his demeanor and tone suggested that this was a man of true humility.
He quickly informed me that our first course of action was the pursuit of dinner. He asked me a few questions regarding my preferences, to which I answered honestly and succinctly. Many exploring submission will reply to any inquiry of this nature with the standard “its up to you”. Its important to remember that the Sir knows its up to him, but given that responsibility he needs feedback for him to make an informed choice that affects both of us. We both knew that it was up to him where we ate, and I was happy to share my preferences.
Before dinner we played shared a few brief moments of intimacy, exploring each other just a bit. First I was taught a few of the basic obedience commands he uses, “Sit, present, etc”. I was allowed to present him his socks and boots, which was a real treat for me, and help him get dressed. He also picked me up, kissing me passionately and throwing me onto the bed. He explored my body in his large and powerful arms, and how it fit so nicely into his own. He ran his hands along my torso and traced the contours of my abs. These rituals were clearly aimed at introducing ourselves as a Sir and a boy, and I savored every moment of it.
Walking to dinner we started to learn more about each other as people too. I could tell quickly that my intuition was right; this was an incredible man in all regards. He would ask me strange questions though, and I realized I wasn’t always comfortable answering them. Earlier in the evening I was on all fours resting my head on his powerful thigh when he asked me, rather suddenly “It’s been a long time since someone has given you affection like this, hasn’t it?”. I paused for a moment, considering the answer before nodding my head somberly. On the walk to the restaurant, he asked me if I cry often. Again, it’s a question I hadn’t considered in a long time, and was surprised at the answer. “I used to, a lot actually. I haven’t lately”. Plenty of songs, and some films used to make me cry often. But I hadn’t in a while, more accurately…since things ended with my former Sir.
I haven’t really written much about my relationship with him, who I will call David, for many reasons. I don’t really talk about him to anyone, partially because he didn’t like when I spoke about him to others, but partially because I didn’t like speaking about it. Throughout the course of dinner, Sirboyin1 kept asking about him and my experiences with him. As mentioned, I felt an extreme affinity for Sirboyin1, so I answered as honestly as I could. At times this would inspire great swells of emotion in me, emotions I have suppressed for the past few months, and my eyes would start to tear. Usually he would back off when he saw this, changing the subject to something more cheerful, but we always seemed to come back to David.
On the walk back to his hotel, we continued on with the topic. When we got back to the room the tone changed a bit and we started to play. We kissed passionately and soon stripped down to just underwear (a white jock in my case). I worshipped his amazing sweaty feet for a few minutes (no where near long enough), but mostly we just kissed. At one point he invited me to lay my head on his hairy chest. I had told him at dinner that this sensation of resting my head on a beefy chest and be gently stroked by a caring Sir was one of the sensations I missed most about my time with David. So when Sirboyin1 asked me how I felt…all I could do was shake my head as the tears welled up. He held me tenderly, but firmly to his chest and assured me to let it out. I started to cry. He held me yet closer and encouraged me to feel, to let myself go. I was so afraid though that I resisted. I shook my head furiously, but he kept assuring me that it was ok, and, finally, I let go. I cried, and cried. He held me close and let me pour out my emotions, and I just wept. It wasn’t something I was prepared for, but it happened. We spoke more and I confided in him more than I have with anyone in almost a year.
What followed was some very hot and enjoyable play, but it was mostly foreplay. Some breath control, some spanking, and even some BRIEF cocksucking (god I loved sucking it, but he only gave me a few seconds). Given the brevity of this, and the more pressing tone of the evening, I am not going to go into too much detail. Neither of us came, and he told me it was time for me to go. I had homework, and he had to be up very early (not to mention it had been a long day for him). We said goodbye (for a long time, I am afraid), and I left. On the way home I felt…terrified. The first night David and I ever spoke, it happened very much like this (though on the phone). He was a caring and insightful man who forced me to confront some of the emotional problems I had. But the last time I opened my heart up like this to a Sir…he abandoned me. Do I want to be someone who can’t open up? God no! But to be honest I am so afraid of opening up to a Sir again… and frankly I know longer know how to; at least not with out the abandon I did with David. Still, opening up to Sirboyin1 could lead to considerable growth both as a boy and a young man. I am not sure what’s going to happen. He gave me a homework assignment, and I think I will complete it… I will walk carefully… but I am interested to see where this takes me.
So when he finally managed to visit DC, I was happy to make it into his crazy schedule. Not many people did, and I feel extremely honored to have been given a night with him. I wasn’t sure what to expect really. As I said, he seemed like a person of substance, but he seemed to have one thing on his mind in the week leading up to our meeting. I was ready for whatever he wanted: sex, getting to know one another, cuddling (that’s how woofy he was, because I cuddle with VERY few people), whatever.
I arrived at his room at 6:30 and let myself in since it was unlocked. Usually this means the man is waiting inside, naked and ready to be served (or some variation of this). So I was surprised when he walked around the corner fully dressed in gym clothes and not at all ready for a scene. His introduction was quite peculiar, and I liked him right away. He said hello, spread his arms out somewhat sarcastically, and announced, “This is it. This is me. Just a regular guy”. What I found most striking was that his admonition wasn’t an attempt at being faux-humble, nor was it self-deprecating. Rather, his demeanor and tone suggested that this was a man of true humility.
He quickly informed me that our first course of action was the pursuit of dinner. He asked me a few questions regarding my preferences, to which I answered honestly and succinctly. Many exploring submission will reply to any inquiry of this nature with the standard “its up to you”. Its important to remember that the Sir knows its up to him, but given that responsibility he needs feedback for him to make an informed choice that affects both of us. We both knew that it was up to him where we ate, and I was happy to share my preferences.
Before dinner we played shared a few brief moments of intimacy, exploring each other just a bit. First I was taught a few of the basic obedience commands he uses, “Sit, present, etc”. I was allowed to present him his socks and boots, which was a real treat for me, and help him get dressed. He also picked me up, kissing me passionately and throwing me onto the bed. He explored my body in his large and powerful arms, and how it fit so nicely into his own. He ran his hands along my torso and traced the contours of my abs. These rituals were clearly aimed at introducing ourselves as a Sir and a boy, and I savored every moment of it.
Walking to dinner we started to learn more about each other as people too. I could tell quickly that my intuition was right; this was an incredible man in all regards. He would ask me strange questions though, and I realized I wasn’t always comfortable answering them. Earlier in the evening I was on all fours resting my head on his powerful thigh when he asked me, rather suddenly “It’s been a long time since someone has given you affection like this, hasn’t it?”. I paused for a moment, considering the answer before nodding my head somberly. On the walk to the restaurant, he asked me if I cry often. Again, it’s a question I hadn’t considered in a long time, and was surprised at the answer. “I used to, a lot actually. I haven’t lately”. Plenty of songs, and some films used to make me cry often. But I hadn’t in a while, more accurately…since things ended with my former Sir.
I haven’t really written much about my relationship with him, who I will call David, for many reasons. I don’t really talk about him to anyone, partially because he didn’t like when I spoke about him to others, but partially because I didn’t like speaking about it. Throughout the course of dinner, Sirboyin1 kept asking about him and my experiences with him. As mentioned, I felt an extreme affinity for Sirboyin1, so I answered as honestly as I could. At times this would inspire great swells of emotion in me, emotions I have suppressed for the past few months, and my eyes would start to tear. Usually he would back off when he saw this, changing the subject to something more cheerful, but we always seemed to come back to David.
On the walk back to his hotel, we continued on with the topic. When we got back to the room the tone changed a bit and we started to play. We kissed passionately and soon stripped down to just underwear (a white jock in my case). I worshipped his amazing sweaty feet for a few minutes (no where near long enough), but mostly we just kissed. At one point he invited me to lay my head on his hairy chest. I had told him at dinner that this sensation of resting my head on a beefy chest and be gently stroked by a caring Sir was one of the sensations I missed most about my time with David. So when Sirboyin1 asked me how I felt…all I could do was shake my head as the tears welled up. He held me tenderly, but firmly to his chest and assured me to let it out. I started to cry. He held me yet closer and encouraged me to feel, to let myself go. I was so afraid though that I resisted. I shook my head furiously, but he kept assuring me that it was ok, and, finally, I let go. I cried, and cried. He held me close and let me pour out my emotions, and I just wept. It wasn’t something I was prepared for, but it happened. We spoke more and I confided in him more than I have with anyone in almost a year.
What followed was some very hot and enjoyable play, but it was mostly foreplay. Some breath control, some spanking, and even some BRIEF cocksucking (god I loved sucking it, but he only gave me a few seconds). Given the brevity of this, and the more pressing tone of the evening, I am not going to go into too much detail. Neither of us came, and he told me it was time for me to go. I had homework, and he had to be up very early (not to mention it had been a long day for him). We said goodbye (for a long time, I am afraid), and I left. On the way home I felt…terrified. The first night David and I ever spoke, it happened very much like this (though on the phone). He was a caring and insightful man who forced me to confront some of the emotional problems I had. But the last time I opened my heart up like this to a Sir…he abandoned me. Do I want to be someone who can’t open up? God no! But to be honest I am so afraid of opening up to a Sir again… and frankly I know longer know how to; at least not with out the abandon I did with David. Still, opening up to Sirboyin1 could lead to considerable growth both as a boy and a young man. I am not sure what’s going to happen. He gave me a homework assignment, and I think I will complete it… I will walk carefully… but I am interested to see where this takes me.
Monday, November 10, 2008
A date? Seriously?
Yes, seriously. I actually went on a date the other day; a phenomenon that has not occurred in probably a year or so. I really don't date all that much anyway, and when I was training under my NY Sir...it was pretty clear to me that no one could ever mean as much to me as he did. So dating is just something I haven't done in a long while. Now, most of you know I am really into older, Dominant, muscle bears (Jewish, apparently). So if you asked me how it is that I came to go out with a twenty-one-year-old blond twink/jock...I honestly don't know the answer. We met through mutual leather friends/online (a bit of both), and something just made me ask if he wanted to hang out instead of just playing.
Sunday we went to the Hirshhorn Modern Art Museum, which I had never been to. The exhibits were amazing, and made me incredibly nostalgic for New York. Despite this, the Hirschhorn did have something that no NYC Gallery or Museum had; a super hot leather boy coming up behind me to press himself against my ass and growl lightly into my ear. Through out the day we would share casual flirtations (as well as our first kiss) as we got to know one another. I thought we clicked well, and I was surprised at how much I was enjoying my time with another twenty-one year old.
After the museum we went back to my Dorm (so romantic) and explored our sexual chemistry a bit. When I say a bit, I mean it was two rounds of some of the hottest play I have experienced in a long time. From the moment he took off his shoes to make me sniff his nasty socks while groping my ass till the final moment when I milked his second load out of him while he struggled, bound to my desk chair and well gagged; our sexual exploration was incredible. Both of us explored not only each other, but ourselves a bit more. There are very few leathermen and boys who would disagree that every now and again, it is fun to play the opposite role. I choose to be a submissive because it fulfills me sexually and emotionally. Still...there was something extremely erotic and powerful in the playfulness and raw sexual energy of our shared youth. We each had our own personal limits, but the limits of role and power structure were gone. I rarely fool around with guys my own age, and when I do its limited to very standard vanilla sex. But with him, I knew that he was just as a hard a player (if not harder) than I was, and allowed myself to just give into my more carnal cravings. Sometimes we were playful, sometimes we were sensual, and sometimes we took turns being cruel and sadistic...but every second of our time together was exhilarating.
Between rounds one and two we cuddled, ate, and watched John Waters' "Female Trouble". This is sort of a dating litmus test for me that I often show on first or second dates. If the guy laughs, its a good sign that we have similar senses of humor. This is pretty important (if not crucial) to me, and he was cracking up more than a few times. In fact, he wants to watch another Water's film on our next date...which is tentatively planned for Weds.
Like I said guys, this is unfamiliar water for me. I haven't had seriously dated someone in four years, and I have never in my life thought I could date someone my age. Whats more, I never thought I could date another "boy". Don't get me wrong, he and I only had one date hahahah, by no means is he boyfriendly yet. Still...I am not ruling it out...which is kind of exciting. Wish me luck on date number two! And if people want, leave a comment and I will get more into the specifics of our play in my next post.
Sunday we went to the Hirshhorn Modern Art Museum, which I had never been to. The exhibits were amazing, and made me incredibly nostalgic for New York. Despite this, the Hirschhorn did have something that no NYC Gallery or Museum had; a super hot leather boy coming up behind me to press himself against my ass and growl lightly into my ear. Through out the day we would share casual flirtations (as well as our first kiss) as we got to know one another. I thought we clicked well, and I was surprised at how much I was enjoying my time with another twenty-one year old.
After the museum we went back to my Dorm (so romantic) and explored our sexual chemistry a bit. When I say a bit, I mean it was two rounds of some of the hottest play I have experienced in a long time. From the moment he took off his shoes to make me sniff his nasty socks while groping my ass till the final moment when I milked his second load out of him while he struggled, bound to my desk chair and well gagged; our sexual exploration was incredible. Both of us explored not only each other, but ourselves a bit more. There are very few leathermen and boys who would disagree that every now and again, it is fun to play the opposite role. I choose to be a submissive because it fulfills me sexually and emotionally. Still...there was something extremely erotic and powerful in the playfulness and raw sexual energy of our shared youth. We each had our own personal limits, but the limits of role and power structure were gone. I rarely fool around with guys my own age, and when I do its limited to very standard vanilla sex. But with him, I knew that he was just as a hard a player (if not harder) than I was, and allowed myself to just give into my more carnal cravings. Sometimes we were playful, sometimes we were sensual, and sometimes we took turns being cruel and sadistic...but every second of our time together was exhilarating.
Between rounds one and two we cuddled, ate, and watched John Waters' "Female Trouble". This is sort of a dating litmus test for me that I often show on first or second dates. If the guy laughs, its a good sign that we have similar senses of humor. This is pretty important (if not crucial) to me, and he was cracking up more than a few times. In fact, he wants to watch another Water's film on our next date...which is tentatively planned for Weds.
Like I said guys, this is unfamiliar water for me. I haven't had seriously dated someone in four years, and I have never in my life thought I could date someone my age. Whats more, I never thought I could date another "boy". Don't get me wrong, he and I only had one date hahahah, by no means is he boyfriendly yet. Still...I am not ruling it out...which is kind of exciting. Wish me luck on date number two! And if people want, leave a comment and I will get more into the specifics of our play in my next post.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Leather and Gender
So yesterday I met up with some guys who I have been speaking to for a while now. It was an experience that brought up feelings of inadequacy that I honestly had not felt since I was in grade school. To give you a bit more information, all of these men were/are service members and fit into fairly stereotypical standards of masculinity. Now whenever I am around a group of people I don't know, I am pretty shy. Furthermore, when you are around men that are SO exceptionally attractive (and for one of them I would even say beautiful), you can't help but feel insecure. And yes, like most people, I do occasionally struggle with self esteem issues. Still, my insecurity yesterday ran so much deeper than any of this.
Most of American BDSM and leather practices derive from the military. Furthermore, most of the depictions of leathermen and bdsm are based on these masculine paradigms. In fact, I dimly recall discussion of the concept of the "leather drag". Basically this term compares practices of dressing up in leathers to dressing up in drag, both are aimed at emulating the basic concepts and perceptions of gender. In the leather community, we attempt to emulate the type of hegemonic masculinity that we find so attractive.
I suppose I couldn't help but be painfully aware of these theories, concepts, practices, etc... yesterday when I was with this men. I fundamentally believe that they understood and truly embodied the power dynamics of a Sir/boy relationship better than I possibly could, because of their military experience. Furthermore, their gender performance was the very masculine paradigm that most leathermen can only feign. It wasn't forced or intentional, they simply were "men" in every sense of the word (and it is a word I rarely use for all its stigma).
And then there is me. I haven't played a sport since I was in eighth grade. I have worked out twice in my life. I was a theatre fag for all my high school years, and today I am a budding fashion designer. While I wouldn't consider myself to be particularly flamboyant or effeminate (at least not usually), my masculinity is very clearly a gay masculinity.
Until yesterday, these were all things I hadn't really considered in years. Something about being thrust into that situation where I was the odd man out, and then adding the layers of gender and bdsm, I felt more insecure than I have in a long time. It was very apparent to me, and what I perceived to be everyone, that I did not fit in. I kept feeling like I was waiting for them to discover me as a fraud. Keep in mind this was not something they were actively pursuing. No one ever said anything to purposefully make me feel uncomfortable or unwanted. It was more questions like "when was the last time you worked out", "Oh, do you play soccer (in reference to my shirt)". I felt like with every truthful answer, I was only proving myself to be more of an outsider. Given that these men could truly get any man or boy they could possibly desire, I felt myself close up, for fear that their possible desire for me was somehow fragile, and ready to whither away at any moment. This insecurity led me to behave very not like myself. Most specifically, I was far to careful and purposeful in my word choice. That purpose was their view of my intelligence. If I wasn't as handsome nor masculine, I tried to at least hide behind my brains. At times, this was aimed at trying to feel smarter than one specific person, and to that person I am truly sorry.
After we said our goodbyes, I pondered on this for most of the night. I don't really know if I will be invited back. I think I would like to be. I honestly don't know what I could possibly have to offer these men. But I guess that is really not up for me to decide. I think I may need to just shut up and live.
P.S. If you are reading this, and you know who you are, I think the world of you both. And I really emphasize that the only person who made me feel this was is me. You are both kind and fun, and I really did have a great time getting to know you briefly (yes in the bedroom too).
Most of American BDSM and leather practices derive from the military. Furthermore, most of the depictions of leathermen and bdsm are based on these masculine paradigms. In fact, I dimly recall discussion of the concept of the "leather drag". Basically this term compares practices of dressing up in leathers to dressing up in drag, both are aimed at emulating the basic concepts and perceptions of gender. In the leather community, we attempt to emulate the type of hegemonic masculinity that we find so attractive.
I suppose I couldn't help but be painfully aware of these theories, concepts, practices, etc... yesterday when I was with this men. I fundamentally believe that they understood and truly embodied the power dynamics of a Sir/boy relationship better than I possibly could, because of their military experience. Furthermore, their gender performance was the very masculine paradigm that most leathermen can only feign. It wasn't forced or intentional, they simply were "men" in every sense of the word (and it is a word I rarely use for all its stigma).
And then there is me. I haven't played a sport since I was in eighth grade. I have worked out twice in my life. I was a theatre fag for all my high school years, and today I am a budding fashion designer. While I wouldn't consider myself to be particularly flamboyant or effeminate (at least not usually), my masculinity is very clearly a gay masculinity.
Until yesterday, these were all things I hadn't really considered in years. Something about being thrust into that situation where I was the odd man out, and then adding the layers of gender and bdsm, I felt more insecure than I have in a long time. It was very apparent to me, and what I perceived to be everyone, that I did not fit in. I kept feeling like I was waiting for them to discover me as a fraud. Keep in mind this was not something they were actively pursuing. No one ever said anything to purposefully make me feel uncomfortable or unwanted. It was more questions like "when was the last time you worked out", "Oh, do you play soccer (in reference to my shirt)". I felt like with every truthful answer, I was only proving myself to be more of an outsider. Given that these men could truly get any man or boy they could possibly desire, I felt myself close up, for fear that their possible desire for me was somehow fragile, and ready to whither away at any moment. This insecurity led me to behave very not like myself. Most specifically, I was far to careful and purposeful in my word choice. That purpose was their view of my intelligence. If I wasn't as handsome nor masculine, I tried to at least hide behind my brains. At times, this was aimed at trying to feel smarter than one specific person, and to that person I am truly sorry.
After we said our goodbyes, I pondered on this for most of the night. I don't really know if I will be invited back. I think I would like to be. I honestly don't know what I could possibly have to offer these men. But I guess that is really not up for me to decide. I think I may need to just shut up and live.
P.S. If you are reading this, and you know who you are, I think the world of you both. And I really emphasize that the only person who made me feel this was is me. You are both kind and fun, and I really did have a great time getting to know you briefly (yes in the bedroom too).
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