Leather and Gender

So yesterday I met up with some guys who I have been speaking to for a while now. It was an experience that brought up feelings of inadequacy that I honestly had not felt since I was in grade school. To give you a bit more information, all of these men were/are service members and fit into fairly stereotypical standards of masculinity. Now whenever I am around a group of people I don't know, I am pretty shy. Furthermore, when you are around men that are SO exceptionally attractive (and for one of them I would even say beautiful), you can't help but feel insecure. And yes, like most people, I do occasionally struggle with self esteem issues. Still, my insecurity yesterday ran so much deeper than any of this.

Most of American BDSM and leather practices derive from the military. Furthermore, most of the depictions of leathermen and bdsm are based on these masculine paradigms. In fact, I dimly recall discussion of the concept of the "leather drag". Basically this term compares practices of dressing up in leathers to dressing up in drag, both are aimed at emulating the basic concepts and perceptions of gender. In the leather community, we attempt to emulate the type of hegemonic masculinity that we find so attractive.

I suppose I couldn't help but be painfully aware of these theories, concepts, practices, etc... yesterday when I was with this men. I fundamentally believe that they understood and truly embodied the power dynamics of a Sir/boy relationship better than I possibly could, because of their military experience. Furthermore, their gender performance was the very masculine paradigm that most leathermen can only feign. It wasn't forced or intentional, they simply were "men" in every sense of the word (and it is a word I rarely use for all its stigma).

And then there is me. I haven't played a sport since I was in eighth grade. I have worked out twice in my life. I was a theatre fag for all my high school years, and today I am a budding fashion designer. While I wouldn't consider myself to be particularly flamboyant or effeminate (at least not usually), my masculinity is very clearly a gay masculinity.

Until yesterday, these were all things I hadn't really considered in years. Something about being thrust into that situation where I was the odd man out, and then adding the layers of gender and bdsm, I felt more insecure than I have in a long time. It was very apparent to me, and what I perceived to be everyone, that I did not fit in. I kept feeling like I was waiting for them to discover me as a fraud. Keep in mind this was not something they were actively pursuing. No one ever said anything to purposefully make me feel uncomfortable or unwanted. It was more questions like "when was the last time you worked out", "Oh, do you play soccer (in reference to my shirt)". I felt like with every truthful answer, I was only proving myself to be more of an outsider. Given that these men could truly get any man or boy they could possibly desire, I felt myself close up, for fear that their possible desire for me was somehow fragile, and ready to whither away at any moment. This insecurity led me to behave very not like myself. Most specifically, I was far to careful and purposeful in my word choice. That purpose was their view of my intelligence. If I wasn't as handsome nor masculine, I tried to at least hide behind my brains. At times, this was aimed at trying to feel smarter than one specific person, and to that person I am truly sorry.

After we said our goodbyes, I pondered on this for most of the night. I don't really know if I will be invited back. I think I would like to be. I honestly don't know what I could possibly have to offer these men. But I guess that is really not up for me to decide. I think I may need to just shut up and live.

P.S. If you are reading this, and you know who you are, I think the world of you both. And I really emphasize that the only person who made me feel this was is me. You are both kind and fun, and I really did have a great time getting to know you briefly (yes in the bedroom too).