David

So as many of you know, my first serious Sir/boy dynamic was with a man named David. We had met on recon as I was trying to make a few connections in NYC months before I moved for my first summer here (Summer 08). Even from a distance (I still lived in DC for four months before I moved), things with He and I got very intense very quickly. It was not long before I was on a bedtime and schedule he set, following rules that he laid, etc… It was remarkable, and it was the only time I have ever so deeply allowed myself to connect with a Sir.

Without going into too much detail about what happened, partially due to the fact that even to this day I don’t understand what really went wrong or why he changed, suffice to say it did not work out. I was devastated. Given that, in addition to feeling lost, abandoned, and confused; I was unhappy with my internship, could not find a job, had no money for food, and lost 10 lbs that summer from not eating: it was def the worst 3 months of my life. But I made it through, and coincidentally, started this blog shortly after I returned to DC.

It took a long time for me to “get over” Him. He was the second man I ever fell in love with, and our ending was so convoluted that it was hard to get over. Besides, only a few months later I found a new boy and was very much in love. This only brought back all the theories I had for why everything that happened was my fault, and that if I were only better in some way, he would have loved me back.

It was not until my first IML, roughly one year since I had last seen or spoken to him, that I realized how ok with the situation I had become. A year had passed and I had experienced a lot. I was already pretty much over him, but IML sealed it. I finally saw who the new boy ways, and it filled me with a sense of relief. He was COMPLETELY different from me. His new boy was older, had a different body type, and clearly shared a different dynamic with David. I had always feared it was some young boy very much like me who just had something I didn’t. But seeing this man who David had fallen for helped me realize it wasn’t my fault.

I’ll admit, seeing and talking to Him at IML (we ran into each other quite suddenly and unexpectedly) was more pleasant than I thought. It may have been because of that, that when I moved to NYC two months ago I allowed myself to get back in touch with him. I don’t remember who it was that first offered, but we ended up deciding to get dinner together.

The night was pretty great. Seeing him was a bit strange. He had started shaving his beard and chest hair, and frankly it made a strong visual impact on me. He no longer looked like a firm Daddy type, but rather a handsome young man in his late twenties (the beard made him look older). I stated to recognize him more as a person than I had in the past (something I know was one of the mistakes I did make when we were “together”). The whole evening just flew by, and I really felt our old closeness returning. And being that I had just moved, it was really nice to not only have a familiar face, but with someone who exuded control and security.

And then, in true David fashion, he just fucked me over. As I was leaving he asked if I wanted to come back next week for dinner. I was SHOCKED, since I know how he is about needing space. I even said “Heh, are you sure?” before he gave me a look and I graciously accepted. Until next week I didn’t call or text because, again, I didn’t want to scare him off. Sure enough, a week later when I texted him to see when he wanted to get together that week: no response. I called later. No response. Texted the next day. No response. Texted him a few days later to congratulate his mention on towleroad.com. No response. And since then, I have yet to hear from him.

THIS IS QUINTESSENTIAL DAVID BULL SHIT! Seriously, I was so annoyed/pissed that I have had no idea how to react. I just don’t fucking get him. Like. If you don’t want to see me again, DON’T MAKE PLANS WITH ME. And if you do want to see me again, DON’T FUCKING IGNORE ME. Seriously, if I ever were to hear from him again he would probably give me the same lies he always used to give me about why he ignored me and never got back in touch. And then he would say my expectations were too high when the ONLY THING I EVER EXPECTED OF HIM WAS TO DO THE THINGS HE SAID HE WOULD. I only ever expected that from him.

So yeah, who knows if I will ever hear from him again. I saw him at the Eagle, and he waved at me as if everything was cool and I just rolled my eyes and kept walking. Then he invited me to his birthday (by mass email evite), and refused to respond when I emailed him back asking what had happened the week before. Seriously? Seriously you are going to act like everything is cool? Oh well. I’m done with letting him make me wonder what I did wrong. He is dishonest, disingenuous, and just not worth it anymore.

Been busy

Hey guys. So sorry for not posting, but things have been somewhat insane here. I did not have much to post about for a while, and then suddenly HELL WEEK hit. Without getting into it to much, this is what hell week was like for me.

Monday: Worked. Realize roommate is a controlling, psycho bitch. Found a potential place on Craigslist.
Tuesday: Saw place from Craigslist.
Weds: Worked all day and Go-Go danced from 12-4am. Was offered place from CL.
Thurs: Put in deposit.
Fri: Worked all day and worked at Splash 10-3am.
Sat: Packed all day. Moved. Danced 11-3am
Sun: Worked 6pm-4am
Monday: Worked all day.

Needless to say my week sucked. But everything worked out for the best. What's more, I have a few things to write about including: being really attracted for a young looking boy (very strange), another round of David being an ass, and some NYBC updates.

Stick around;-)

Cowboy Ben

So last week I, again, spent my Friday night doing PG bondage scenes at Splash, and you know... I think it was my best night yet. Vance, the guy who organizes the talent and performers, had texted me a few days prior telling me to come prepared for a cowboy theme. Admittedly, I thought it was pretty cringe worthy, but it's all a performance, right?

So I showed up Friday with a red bandanna and a pair of blue bandanna inspired briefs. They are very gay, very twinkish, and among the last pieces of evidence of my nineteen-year-old self. For the first scene...um. Frankly I can't even really remember what happened. Nevermind, it was mardi gras themed. I tied two guys back to back, and there were clothespins. It was an early show and the crowd was pretty thin.

Preparing for my second show though, Vance was trying to craft some ideas and explain what he wanted from the cowboy themed show. He seemed sort of unsure, so I just stepped in and said, "Why don't I just turn another cowboy into a horse?". He. Loved. It. So I suited up in my briefs and bandanna, and donned a cowboy hat Vance had brought just for me. I'll admit. It was a pretty adorable look. I even took a minute to jokingly, but sincerely thank Vance for pushing me outside of my typical comfort zone. Maybe I don't let myself enjoy being young and twinky as much as I should.

Before we went out, I made a rope bit and gagged my partner. Then I attached a second rope to each end of the bit to act as reigns. When we were all set, he carried me out piggy-back style and up onto the stage. Once there, I tied his reigns to the pole (sort of like a real horse), and had him stand leaning forward against the pole. I then proceeded to tie a saddle onto his back. I tied his chest first, then tied a rope jock onto him, and wove a pattern between. The whole look was really sexy, and very evocative of a saddle. Afterwards, I put him on all fours and rode him for a bit. Smacking his ass, letting him buck, etc... It was pretty hot. More than anything, it was the first scene I had done there that made complete sense. I was a cowboy, doing cowboy themed bondage. I don't know, it just clicked in a way it never had before. Plus, the more I get to know Vance, the more I enjoy hanging out in the back between shows. I'm really starting to like this gig.

General Update

So that you all don't fear that I have A) forgotten about you, B) been kidnapped (the real kind), C) been kidnapped (the sexy kind) by some dark, sexy man, or D) died; I wanted to just write a quick general post about what has been going on.

My new life in NYC is starting to settle down. I got a job with a really fantastic men's sportswear/fetishwear line called Nasty Pig. If you haven't heard of them before, they're worth checking out. In addition to making some really edgy clothes, they make excellent fetish gear. It's been rough acclimating to a life in retail, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. Nay, I'm actually starting to enjoy it a little. It can be a fun environment.

In addition to Nasty Pig, I've been doing night performances to make some extra cash. While it's mostly go-go dancing, I've also been doing bondage demo's every Friday night at a bar called Splash. It's sort of a dying pretty boy bar, which could not be more my scene, but the pay is pretty outstanding considering the complete lack of work on my part, and I like the guy who organizes the performers A LOT. He usually just has me dress up in something twinky and horrible, and put on a pg-13 show. Mostly it's just tying up the go-go boys, and playing with them a bit. One week I was Robin tying up Batman (he actually had me wear my new Robin costume which was kind of fun). Last week it was Cupid. That's right. Red soccer socks, white jock strap, wings, and a bow. I wish to god I was kidding. Thankfully, no pictures were taken. Ironically, last Friday, Splash hosted the Hookies (rentboy awards (yes, such a thing exists (yes, it is as horrifying as it is delicious))). And as all those sex workers got on stage and accepted their awards (best coitus), I couldn't help but look at my outfit and wonder who the real whore was. ^ _ ^

So work is good, and I'm not starving (I have had to reassure my mother on several occasions). Otherwise, I've been applying to school, spending time with friends, trying to navigate my relationship with Greg, letting David fuck with my head as usual, and pining over the vanilla boy I was casually dating last semester. More on all of these later. Maybe. Probably. We'll see.

Official tally

So for all you nay-sayers out there: I have just counted, and the results are in. I officially have 27 hairs on my chest, not including my nipples. Just you wait, by the time I am 30, I will be a decently furry little cub!