David

So as many of you know, my first serious Sir/boy dynamic was with a man named David. We had met on recon as I was trying to make a few connections in NYC months before I moved for my first summer here (Summer 08). Even from a distance (I still lived in DC for four months before I moved), things with He and I got very intense very quickly. It was not long before I was on a bedtime and schedule he set, following rules that he laid, etc… It was remarkable, and it was the only time I have ever so deeply allowed myself to connect with a Sir.

Without going into too much detail about what happened, partially due to the fact that even to this day I don’t understand what really went wrong or why he changed, suffice to say it did not work out. I was devastated. Given that, in addition to feeling lost, abandoned, and confused; I was unhappy with my internship, could not find a job, had no money for food, and lost 10 lbs that summer from not eating: it was def the worst 3 months of my life. But I made it through, and coincidentally, started this blog shortly after I returned to DC.

It took a long time for me to “get over” Him. He was the second man I ever fell in love with, and our ending was so convoluted that it was hard to get over. Besides, only a few months later I found a new boy and was very much in love. This only brought back all the theories I had for why everything that happened was my fault, and that if I were only better in some way, he would have loved me back.

It was not until my first IML, roughly one year since I had last seen or spoken to him, that I realized how ok with the situation I had become. A year had passed and I had experienced a lot. I was already pretty much over him, but IML sealed it. I finally saw who the new boy ways, and it filled me with a sense of relief. He was COMPLETELY different from me. His new boy was older, had a different body type, and clearly shared a different dynamic with David. I had always feared it was some young boy very much like me who just had something I didn’t. But seeing this man who David had fallen for helped me realize it wasn’t my fault.

I’ll admit, seeing and talking to Him at IML (we ran into each other quite suddenly and unexpectedly) was more pleasant than I thought. It may have been because of that, that when I moved to NYC two months ago I allowed myself to get back in touch with him. I don’t remember who it was that first offered, but we ended up deciding to get dinner together.

The night was pretty great. Seeing him was a bit strange. He had started shaving his beard and chest hair, and frankly it made a strong visual impact on me. He no longer looked like a firm Daddy type, but rather a handsome young man in his late twenties (the beard made him look older). I stated to recognize him more as a person than I had in the past (something I know was one of the mistakes I did make when we were “together”). The whole evening just flew by, and I really felt our old closeness returning. And being that I had just moved, it was really nice to not only have a familiar face, but with someone who exuded control and security.

And then, in true David fashion, he just fucked me over. As I was leaving he asked if I wanted to come back next week for dinner. I was SHOCKED, since I know how he is about needing space. I even said “Heh, are you sure?” before he gave me a look and I graciously accepted. Until next week I didn’t call or text because, again, I didn’t want to scare him off. Sure enough, a week later when I texted him to see when he wanted to get together that week: no response. I called later. No response. Texted the next day. No response. Texted him a few days later to congratulate his mention on towleroad.com. No response. And since then, I have yet to hear from him.

THIS IS QUINTESSENTIAL DAVID BULL SHIT! Seriously, I was so annoyed/pissed that I have had no idea how to react. I just don’t fucking get him. Like. If you don’t want to see me again, DON’T MAKE PLANS WITH ME. And if you do want to see me again, DON’T FUCKING IGNORE ME. Seriously, if I ever were to hear from him again he would probably give me the same lies he always used to give me about why he ignored me and never got back in touch. And then he would say my expectations were too high when the ONLY THING I EVER EXPECTED OF HIM WAS TO DO THE THINGS HE SAID HE WOULD. I only ever expected that from him.

So yeah, who knows if I will ever hear from him again. I saw him at the Eagle, and he waved at me as if everything was cool and I just rolled my eyes and kept walking. Then he invited me to his birthday (by mass email evite), and refused to respond when I emailed him back asking what had happened the week before. Seriously? Seriously you are going to act like everything is cool? Oh well. I’m done with letting him make me wonder what I did wrong. He is dishonest, disingenuous, and just not worth it anymore.

A good summary

So recently I started talking to an old friend (who I dated for a month my freshman year) and we quickly got onto the topic of his curiosity in Domination and submission. For him it has always been a part of his sexuality, but that's the extent. Asking me about how it has played out in my life, I volunteered to send him an email that summed it up. I was so pleased with the way that it turned out that I figured it would make a great blog post.

Sir,
Submission has been a complete journey for me. It all started with bondage, admittedly. When I was eleven I was jerking off thinking about being bound and gagged, and over time that evolved. In my mid teens I started experimenting with BDSM more and began to appreciate bondage in conjunction with other things (light SM, humiliation, sex, etc…). After I moved to DC, my desire to explore these other areas (and my ability to find partners to experiment with) rose quickly. By the time I was twenty, I had been tied up more times than I could count, had been sexually humiliated and objectified, and had thoroughly indulged some of my biggest fetishes (mostly sniffing dirty socks/jocks, breath play, water sports, gear, groups, etc…).

Despite all this, it wasn’t until January 2008 (I was twenty), that I really started to explore what it means to submit. Don’t get me wrong; I had already experimented with following orders, houseboying, etc… But that’s not what real submission is about. It started when I met David. I was moving to NYC in the summer and had been looking for leathermen in the area to get to know before I moved. I found David online and we clicked right away. The first night we talked on the phone, we talked for about three hours and I opened up to him quite a lot. In a months time, I had experienced submission in a way I never had. In just a matter of weeks, David had exerted an external authority on my entire life that gave me an incredible satisfaction I had never felt.

Under David’s suggestion/order, I had a 2:00am bedtime every night except Friday and Saturday, and 10:00 wake up time. This meant at 2:00am it was lights out, ass in bed, and at 10:00 I was awake and out of bed. I also had academic standards to meet. I was not allowed to skip class, and could not receive a grade lower than B- on a single assignment or overall grade. My diet also changed slightly. David introduced healthier (more grown-up) options into my life that replaced things like the breads I ate (all whole-grain now), the cereals I ate (no more trix), the amount of vegetables I ate, etc…

Now, as I said, this gave me an extreme sense of satisfaction and happiness that I had never felt. Note that nothing about this is cruel, or mean, or commanding in the way people typically view bdsm. Quite the contrary, David as a figure of authority in my life, was exceptionally nurturing. This aspect of our relationship dealt with the structure a Dominant man (a Sir) can give a submissive boy. Also note the mutuality of it. David got the pleasure of nurturing and structuring a boy, and I got structure to help me achieve my goals and be successful. In a sense, this aspect of a Dom/sub relationship is where the rules are inserted. For us these rules were never sexual, but that is quite particular to us. Many Dom/sub pairs have rules that involve sex, daily dress, regular chores, etc… It is all about the specific needs and desires of the individuals.

There is another aspect submission that played out after I moved to NYC into his apartment. Now I should note that about a month before this happen, something happened to David. I don’t really know what, to be honest, but he got scared. He started changing, and was there for me much less, and much less involved with making sure I stayed on task. I think he got scared when he realized I would be moving in with him in just a month. So at that point he told me I couldn’t live with him, but that I could stay with him for a few weeks until I found a place.
Still, after I moved there, we experienced the more daily manifestation of roles within our relationship. This was manifested in a lot of ways that met both our desires and needs. One example is in the shared activities couples do everyday, like eating dinner. Whenever we ate, David would be the decider in everything: what type of food, the specific restaurant, and even what I ate and drank. Now at first this seems overbearing, but with all Dominance and submission, it’s all about subtlety. First: David knew me pretty well. So he was capable of making decisions about the foods I would like, and the foods he thought I should try, based on how well he knew me. Second: he would ask for my opinion or preference when he wanted it. Not that I wasn’t allowed to state my preference, its just that I preferred him to be the decider. I would even disagree with him sometimes about what/where we ate. But in the end, I respected that he was the desire.

Which leads me to another point about submission. Like any couple, there are bound to be disagreements. And from a boy’s perspective, I need a man who will listen to what I have to say and treat me and my thoughts/feelings with respect. But, as a boy, I also trust the Sir I am with to make the best decision for both of us, even when I may disagree. So even though, so far, I have made a point to emphasize the mutuality of everything, there are times when Sir’s word is the law and I have to respect and obey.

Another aspect of this involves discipline. No one is perfect. So when Sir sets rules like the ones I mentioned earlier, sometimes I am going to break them (whether on intentionally or not). And when that happens, I submit (by entering this relationship) to a punishment that meets the crime. This, like many things, very much depends on the individual(s). For David and I, punishments ranged in variety from a good talking to, time out to reflect on my mistakes, to a hard over-the-knee spanking (in addition to a good talking to). Afterwards, it was always important to take me in his arms (sometimes while I cried, sobbed, and shook), and tell me that he forgave me and that he cares about me a lot.

I suppose the last area I want to cover is the roles that you both take quite naturally in the evolution of the relationship. For me, these roles have generally taken on traditional gender roles. For example, when I am with a Man; I clean for Him, cook for Him (though usually we cook together or take turns), run errands, and generally keep a submissive and ready-to-please attitude when I’m in the home. Furthermore, I am very much responsible for his emotional caretaking. And in turn, he’s responsible for mine. In contrast to me, however; He frequently pays, makes the decisions around the house, and expects me to satisfy Him sexually (which in turn satisfies me).

I hope this has given you a general overview of how submission plays out in my life. It is, more than anything, about trust and unbridled communication. I am always open to ANY questions you might have. And if you have the liberty (I am assuming your internet use is monitored), you should check out my blog sometime, which is ALL about my experiences as a submissive boy and begins a few months after things ended with David.

ben