Thoughts

Tonight, I had some brief conversations with two acquaintances of mine. One is a pup, just begginning his first real Dom/sub relationship. The other is his Sir. The pup's eagerness, and the Sir's firm enthusiasm for this eager young man were very touching. And in a sense, they inspired the tiniest pangs of jealousy in me.

As I soaked in the shower, casually washing off the days grime, I thought about them. And I thought about myself too. I remember what it was like, being with my first Sir. It was...well, it was incredible. The way I threw myself into it, the way I would spend every day waiting for 1:55 when Sir would call and tuck me in to bed (aka to make sure my ass was in bed and lights were out), the way I felt so much more disciplined in my own life whether it was school or work...all of it was just invigorating. While I had certainly loved my boyfriend when I was 16....in many ways.... David was my first love. Mostly, because he was my first Sir. As you know, I don't talk about it very much. Mostly because he is very private, and because sometimes its still hard.

Looking at the Sir and his new pup, it made me wish I still had that. And it made me think about what I do have. To put it simply, I have Greg. But what we have is so much more cautious. He'll give me sound Daddy advice...but whether I choose to accept it or not is up to me. I think that's best for now, and he and I have discussed this. The more I allow myself to be His...the more I'll...well...be His. And I'm not ready for that. Not emotionally, and not longitudinally. I'll be moving to NYC in January, and we will have all the time in the world. But until then I need to stay safe. Which, I'm learning... means the intensity just won't be there.

This got me thinking about what is there. And if you all don't mind, I would like to address this specifically to him.

Sir,

As You can see, I was ruminating on what isn't there between us. I'm sure You realize this too. But it did make me think about what there is between us. And I want You to tell You what I've found. Namely, its You.

We've explored the dynamic of a Dominant man and a submissive boy somewhat, and it has been wonderful. But what may just be better, is that all the time we haven't spent exploring that dynamic, I got to explore You. Not as a Sir...just as a man. And i have to say, You're an amazing man.

When I'm around You, time just flies. You make me laugh so much, and I feel like I can be goofy and myself when we're together. You're fiercely intelligent, with a keen wit that keeps me on my toes. And You're very playful...verbally, physically.... its why we have so much fun together. And possibly most important, You have shown me unparalleled generosity and kindness. You're sweeter than anyone I've ever been interested in, and You make me feel special...

So, I guess what I am trying to say is... I like You. I don't care if the Sir/boy dynamic is something we hold off on until we're both ready. I like having Greg in my life. I think about You a lot.

Finally, I wanted to close with one last thought I had in my shower. Is it ok if sometimes I call You "Greg" instead of "Sir"? Calling You "Sir" signifies how I admire You as a Dominant man. But there are a number of men I call "Sir". And sometimes...I want you to know that I care about You not just because You possess the traits of a Dominant man, but because You are one of the most amazing men I'v ever met. When I say goodnight, or tell You I missed you, or anything like that...sometimes I want You to know its just because You're...You.

I hope this is ok. Please let me know. I miss You.

ben